


Focus

by walkalittleline



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Fjord is affection starved someone love this boy, M/M, episode 73 spoilers, meditation and smoochin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 18:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20158204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkalittleline/pseuds/walkalittleline
Summary: “How can you be so… calm about all this?” Fjord says. “You nearly died,” he adds when Caduceus gives him a befuddled look.“But I didn’t,” Caduceus replies with a shrug.“But—““I think we’re getting distracted,” Caduceus cuts across him. “You’re still too stiff,” he continues with a fond amusement, eyeing Fjord’s rigid posture. He untangles his own legs where they’re folded under him and moves to sit behind Fjord, hands coming to rest lightly on his shoulders.





	Focus

He can’t help his eyes straying to Caduceus every few minutes as they make their way through the city and into The Broken Stool. The tavern is large and warmly lit and Fjord is glad for the bustling atmosphere to give him an excuse to stay quiet, unnoticed with Jester gladly filling any silence with excited rambling about what it was like being turned into a mammoth. 

Caduceus is sitting across the table from him between Beau and Caleb, smiling serenely and sipping his tea and looking wholly unbothered by the fact that he was again dangerously close to death not six hours before. His hair is still clumped with his own blood and the viscera of the odd, insectoid creature they’d fought that day. He blinks, looking surprised, and turns to meet Fjord’s eyes across the table where he’s been openly staring at him for the better part of ten minutes, trying to dissect that blithe smile with little success.

Caduceus’ smile widens and Fjord flushes and lowers his head to frown into his nearly empty tankard. He waits a full ten seconds before chancing a look up again, relieved to see Caduceus has returned his attention to the rest of the group again. Fjord tries to be less obvious with watching him, though a part of him thinks Caduceus’ smile might be a bit more knowing the rest of the evening until they finally retire to their rooms for the night, Nott, Beau, and Jester splitting off to their shared room while Fjord follows Caleb and Caduceus to the other.

Caleb immediately sets about his nightly routine when they enter, Fjord grimacing at the sight of the two beds while Caduceus muses about getting a bath as he sheds his armor. Fjord pauses in the act of unlacing his boots to watch him amble out of the room, breathing out heavily when the door shuts behind him.

“Is there something going on between you and Caduceus?” Caleb says with no preamble as soon as he’s gone, not looking up from where he’s lining the window with silver thread.

“What?” Fjord says, wincing at how suspicious he sounds even to himself. “No. Why would you say that?”

Caleb pauses and looks back at him. “You were staring at him all night,” he says matter of factly. 

“No I wasn’t,” Fjord says defensively.

Caleb gives him a bland look before turning back to his ritual, rolling his eyes, and Fjord scowls. He tries to ignore Caleb as he continues peeling off his boots and the rest of his armor. By the time he’s down to just his trousers and tunic, Caduceus returns, hair damp, the layer of fine fur covering most of him puffed out slightly and still wafting steam.

“That’s better,” he says, smiling in Fjord’s direction. “Alright, Fjord? How are your arms?”

“I’m fine,” Fjord mutters, pretending to adjust how his armor is piled against the wall where he’s seated on the floor so he doesn’t have to look at him. It’s a lie, his arms and shoulders ache and burn from being practically ripped out of socket and he can feel the bruising under his shirt.

“You sure?” Caduceus says, sounding concerned. Fjord hears him approaching and stills. “Mind if I take a look?”

Fjord suppresses a sigh and turns to face him as Caduceus is lowering himself to the floor to sit cross legged next to him.

“Alright,” Fjord says reluctantly, sighing and tugging his tunic over his head when Caduceus nods encouragingly. He winces as his muscles protest even this small movement.

“It really messed you up,” Caduceus says sympathetically as he looks over the dark bruising across Fjord’s arms and shoulders. He’s sure his legs are just as badly bruised where Caleb had yanked him out of the ground with his cat’s paw.

Fjord wants to retort that Caduceus himself had been halfway to being digested, wants to scold him for being so blasé about nearly dying _ again _ and still only worrying about the rest of them. He still thinks about the fact that the first thing Caduceus had done when Jester brought him back to life was check on how they were all doing rather than thinking about himself for once. 

“Here,” Caduceus says, gingerly laying his hand on Fjord’s shoulder and closing his eyes as warmth seeps into Fjord’s skin. He can feel some of the soreness in his muscles drain away, watching the bruises dwindle as they heal rapidly.

“It’s not perfect,” Caduceus says when he’s finished, looking apologetically at the smattered bruises still dotting Fjord’s arms. “But it’s something.”

“Thank you,” Fjord says, “it’s more than enough.”

Caduceus smiles and Fjord’s stomach swoops pleasantly. It’s a dangerous feeling, he knows, but one he’s felt slowly developing over the past few weeks. He’s still not sure if it’s Caduceus himself causing it or if he’s just conflating everything he represents with attraction. Maybe it doesn’t really make a difference in the end.

“Will you be meditating tonight?” he says when Caduceus behinds pushing himself to his feet again.

“I do every night,” Caduceus replies with a nod.

“Would you… would it be alright if I joined you again?” Fjord says hopefully. “If you don’t mind.”

Caduceus beams.

“Not at all,” he says, “I’d be happy to have you.”

It’s this that leaves him sitting across from Caduceus on the floor twenty minutes later trying to focus on _ not _focusing and failing miserably. Caleb has since fallen asleep sprawled on one of the beds with Frumpkin curled at his neck, though he’d given Fjord a dubious look that he couldn’t decipher before rolling his back to them both.

He’s trying to wipe his mind clean like Caduceus had told him the last time they’d done this together but, at that time, he hadn’t had the freshly minted memory of Caduceus’ nearly dying weighing his thoughts down. He sighs, cracking an eye open to look at Caduceus, surprised to see him looking back at him, smiling faintly.

“I never thanked you,” Caduceus says inexplicably. “For saving me earlier.”

Fjord scoffs and shakes his head. “Caleb and Jester did all the work,” he says, “I was useless.”

“Useless?” Caduceus echoes with a disbelief bordering on amusement. “Fjord, Beau would almost certainly be dead without you. And regardless of who got me out in the end, you’re the one who crawled in there after me.” He chuckles. “It was pretty gross in there so if nothing else I appreciate the effort.”

“How can you be so… calm about all this?” Fjord says. “You nearly died,” he adds when Caduceus gives him a befuddled look.

“But I didn’t,” Caduceus replies with a shrug.

“But—“

“I think we’re getting distracted,” Caduceus cuts across him. “You’re still too stiff,” he continues with a fond amusement, eyeing Fjord’s rigid posture. He untangles his own legs where they’re folded under him and moves to sit behind Fjord, hands coming to rest lightly on his shoulders.

Fjord makes himself perfectly still, his muscles tensing nervously and a shiver running up his spine when Caduceus’ breath fans warm across his ear.

“You need to relax,” Caduceus murmurs. He slips one hand under Fjord’s arm to rest it flat on his chest at the base of his rib cage. “And breathe.”

Fjord wants to retort that he can’t do either of those things given everything that’s happened in combination with Caduceus looming over him the way he is, his chest pressed against Fjord’s back and his voice a low rumble in his ear. He prays Caduceus doesn’t feel his heart beating rabbit fast against his rib cage under his fingers. He’s grateful he at least thought to put his tunic back on.

“Breathe from your diaphragm,” Caduceus says, pressing his palm to Fjord’s chest. “In through your nose, yeah?”

Fjord closes his eyes and does as he’s told, pulling a deep lungful of air in through his nose. His chest expands rapidly under Caduceus’ hand and Caduceus chuckles in his ear, the sound rolling pleasantly through him.

“Breathe _ slowly_,” Caduceus amends, patting Fjord’s stomach just above his navel. “The point of this is to calm your mind and body, Fjord. You need to let yourself relax.”

Fjord grunts in response and screws his eyes shut tighter, trying to focus on his own breathing rather than sound and feel of Caduceus’ breath on his skin with each steady exhale. He wants to tell him that he can’t relax when every time he closes his eyes he sees the image of him streaked with gore and barely able to stand. He tries to take his words to heart though, willing the tension to melt from his muscles.

“There you go,” Caduceus says approvingly when Fjord finally manages to clear his head and slow his heart rate after a minute of measured breaths, his shoulders slumping heavily as his breathing evens out.

“That’s it,” Caduceus murmurs, his hand still splayed warm on Fjord’s stomach. “Good. In. And out.” He matches Fjord’s breathing, air tickling hot across the tip of Fjord’s ear when he breathes out, and Fjord can’t stop his breath from hitching at the shudder it sends down his back.

“Keep your spine straight,” Caduceus says, his other hand sliding up the line of Fjord’s spine. “Not stiff. Just straight. And don’t tilt your chin down like that,” he adds, his hand moving to lift Fjord’s chin gently where it’s lowered to his chest. “You want to keep your airway open. Relax your jaw. Good. How are you feeling?”

Fjord hums drowsily, feeling loose and comfortable, like his limbs are weighed down by some invisible force. He sags back against Caduceus’ chest before he can stop himself, thinking he could probably simply fall asleep like this, and Caduceus chuckles softly again.

“You’re not supposed to sleep,” he says, the smile clear in his voice. His hands are still resting lightly on Fjord’s chin and stomach. “At least you’re relaxing, though. Baby steps.”

Fjord turns his head to the side to look up at him and Caduceus gives him a familiar smile, bright and kind. 

“Alright?” 

His eyes are vibrant magenta, half-hidden behind his perpetually drooping eyelids, his eyelashes long and pale. There’s a flutter of nervous energy in Fjord’s stomach, expectant and hopeful, and he braces himself mentally before lifting his chin to press his mouth lightly against Caduceus’.

Caduceus’ lips part in a quiet gasp of surprise and Fjord pulls back quickly, waiting for his reaction. Caduceus blinks down at him, eyes wide and startled.

“I’m sorry,” Fjord says hurriedly, humiliation burning the tips of his ears, “I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“No, it’s okay,” Caduceus says, still looking taken aback. His licks his lips absently. “Just wasn’t expecting that.”

“I should go,” Fjord mutters, making to pull out of Caduceus’ grip and stand though he’s not sure where he’s going to go in an unfamiliar city in the middle of the night.

Caduceus holds him in place, though, surprisingly strong for someone as thin as he is. Fjord looks back at him, frowning in frustration and opening his mouth to argue, when Caduceus kisses him again, firmer this time but still with a gentleness Fjord would expect from him.

“I said I wasn’t expecting it,” Caduceus says quietly when he pulls away, “I didn’t say I didn’t enjoy it.”

“Oh,” Fjord says dumbly.

Caduceus smiles affectionately down at him, bumping his nose against Fjord’s before using his hand on his chin to tilt his head up and kiss him again tentatively. Fjord all but melts back against him and Caduceus’ arm wraps more firmly around his middle. There’s a bright, unfamiliar ache in his chest that rises thick in his throat and burns his eyes and he breaks away from Caduceus, lowering his head and blinking hard. He clears his throat painfully, shame flaring across his cheeks at the blur of tears.

“Hey,” Caduceus says gently, leaning forward to try and look at Fjord’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Silly,” Fjord mutters, shaking his head. What’s he supposed to say? That no one in his life, romantically or otherwise, has ever treated him with the kind of tenderness Caduceus has shown him? That he was terrified he was going to lose him and that makes him feel even more vulnerable than losing his powers? He feels pathetic.

“It’s not,” Caduceus says, though he has no idea what Fjord’s upset about. He wraps both arms securely around Fjord’s middle to hug him from behind, wonderfully warm and protective.

It only serves to make guilt bubble up in Fjord’s chest. Caduceus is the one deserving of comfort right now, not him. But he can’t recall a time Caduceus put himself before the rest of them in any capacity. He doesn’t think he would ask for the attention even if he needed it. Fjord wonders if it’s an affect effect of coming from a large family.

“I’ve seen you die,” Fjord says, resting his hand on top of Caduceus’. “I almost watched you die again today, Caduceus.”

“I _ didn’t _die though,” Caduceus says with that same relaxed air. “I’m right here.”

Fjord blows out a frustrated sigh. He twists in Caduceus’ hold so he can turn to face him, sitting up in his knees so he’s looking down at him. Caduceus smiles up at him, his arms loosely resting around Fjord’s waist.

“I’d prefer if we didn’t even risk it,” Fjord says seriously. “You dying, I mean.”

Caduceus chuckles. “Well, me too. But I’m not sure we have it that easy now, do we?”

“We would if you cared more for yourself than everyone else,” Fjord retorts.

Caduceus gives him a warm, indulgent smile.

“I’m fine, Fjord,” he says, lifting one hand to brush his thumb over the scar on Fjord’s lip. “You worry too much.”

“I think you don’t worry enough,” Fjord mutters petulantly.

Caduceus tightens his arms around Fjord in response, forcing him forward a step so Caduceus’ chin is resting near his navel as he looks up at him. Fjord falters briefly before letting his hand come to rest at the back of Caduceus’ head, threading his fingers through his hair. It’s soft and silken between his fingers, still damp in spots from the bath, and he feels that same ache in his chest at the tenderness of it all.

“Do you want to go to bed?” Caduceus says, humming contentedly when Fjord combs his fingers through his hair.

Fjord flushes almost automatically at his words though he knows by the gentle smile that Caduceus means it in nothing but the most innocent of ways. Fjord clears his throat and nods, trying not to let his mind wander to what it might mean another time when they’re not both so exhausted and Caleb isn’t sleeping five feet away. He wonders vaguely if Caduceus would even have an interest in sex at all. A conversation for another time, he thinks.

“Yes,” he says, nodding. “Bed sounds… wonderful, actually.”

Caduceus smiles and pushes to his feet, lowering his head to kiss the corner of Fjord’s mouth before moving to pull the blankets down the bed and slip underneath. He has to bend his knees slightly as he has with every other inn they’ve been to so his feet don’t dangle off the edge. He looks expectantly to Fjord, who glances at Caleb, silently willing him to sleep in the next morning, before crawling in next to Caduceus in the cramped bed.

Caduceus immediately curls his arm around Fjord’s middle and shifts him closer so Fjord’s face is resting in the crook of his neck. He smells clean, like soap and the woody smell of incense Fjord has seen him burn when he meditates.

“Alright?” he murmurs, his voice vibrating through Fjords chest.

Fjord nods. There’s something about Caduceus that makes him feel safe. Cared for. _ Loved_. He knows it’s just in his nature to look after all of them but it’s such a foreign feeling to Fjord he can’t stop the sudden tightness in his chest as the word crosses his brain.

“Good night, Fjord,” Caduceus says before kissing the top of Fjord’s head.

“Good night, Caduceus.” he replies, closing his eyes and savoring how warm he feels against him.

It doesn’t take long for him to drop off to sleep. He dreams of soft sand and the gentle rush of waves across it, gleaming crystalline blue in the sunlight. It’s the best he’s slept in a very long time.


End file.
